Don't Do This Again (Prison)

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Don't Do This Again (Prison)

Post  chrissie on Tue Feb 24, 2009 12:18 pm

Critique much appreciated please.


DON'T


I can't go through all this again
it's teared my soul apart,
the letters, calls and visits
completely break my heart.
Don't do this to me again
I cannot take much more,
you should be home and here with me
behind our own front door.
Please don't go away again
I honestly can't cope,
but three things keep me going
which are me and you plus hope.
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Re: Don't Do This Again (Prison)

Post  PenJen on Tue Feb 24, 2009 12:29 pm

chrissie wrote:Critique much appreciated please.


DON'T


I can't go through all this again
it's teared my soul apart,
the letters, calls and visits
completely break my heart.
Don't do this to me again
I cannot take much more,
you should be home and here with me
behind our own front door.
Please don't go away again
I honestly can't cope,
but three things keep me going
which are me and you plus hope.


Hi Chrissie

I like the way in which you say ' behind our own front door.'
The rhyme in this is great and it canters along nicely and reads smoothly.
Hope is one thing that keeps us going here on the outside. Lovely poem, well done Chrissie.
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Re: Don't Do This Again (Prison)

Post  chrissie on Tue Feb 24, 2009 12:48 pm

Thanks alot Jen. I was thinking on changing the last line to = which are me and you x hope? what do you think?
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Re: Don't Do This Again (Prison)

Post  Admin on Tue Feb 24, 2009 1:14 pm

It's good Chrissie and obviously written from the heart. I think the original ending is better than the X though. Just my opinion hunni. x I love you
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Re: Don't Do This Again (Prison)

Post  carolann on Wed Feb 25, 2009 2:59 am

I love this poem Chrissy. I know what you mean though about the ending and I'm not sure it reads right. Can't put my finger on it.
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Re: Don't Do This Again (Prison)

Post  missingmybabe on Fri Feb 27, 2009 5:27 am

This is lovely and I agree written straight from the heart.
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Re: Don't Do This Again (Prison)

Post  Admin on Fri Feb 27, 2009 8:00 am

Nice one Chrissie.
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Re: Don't Do This Again (Prison)

Post  Robyn_Levers on Fri Feb 27, 2009 9:54 am

The poem is fine as it is, leave the last line be. Lovely Chrissie, well done babes. Smile
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Re: Don't Do This Again (Prison)

Post  chrissie on Fri Feb 27, 2009 2:29 pm

Thanks for your kind comments cheers
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